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Kelimemiz: Ana Malzeme Kodu

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4. AnaMaKodu
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Sonuç: Olmuyor!

Sometimes, especially when I’m tired and lacking sleep, I feel like my personality changes. It feels as if who I am goes away for a short while and someone else comes to look after the body to make sure everything keeps working smoothly. The odd thing is, that person feels familiar and more realistic. Maybe the reason is who comes into my place is who I used to be? I do hope it’s not the case.

I’m feeling very tired now, that I tend to stoop. And I see people around more clearly, being arrogant; being negative and pessimistic about almost everything; being biased against everything without listening to both sides of the story but never hesitating to shout out a propaganda like it’s their very own view… So I make an attempt to tell them they are being unjust; then I think of the fights we might have and how it will make me see how narrow-minded they are, as it had happened each time I tried. Hence, my tiredness promotes to exhaustion and I look around and say “Where am I? How did I end up here?” Then, Rachel Bilson’s lines from The Last Kiss start to echo in my head:

The world turns so fast now, we are chasing something so fast that we start freaking out long before our parents did ’cause we don’t ever stop to breathe anymore.

Though, I don’t want this situation to be misunderstood: I don’t want attention, nor do I want someone to pull me away from this mood, because no one can do that. I don’t want anyone to look at me with sad eyes; I’m not sick and I’m definitely not having a trouble I can’t deal with. I’m just feeling unhappy at the moment, not to be mistaken with discontent. I just need a friendly bump on the shoulder and “hey wanna catch a movie?” from someone I don’t mind having long pauses with. Or maybe “hey guess what happened today?” from someone who well knows that I’m in need of no savior but someone else’s story to get distracted.

PS: Sorry for two latest posts being a bit depressive. I promise to make up for it.

(*) Hide And Seek – Imogen Heap

The only person I thought I could count on and would have beside me my whole life, is the only person who doesn’t know almost anything about me today. The sad thing is I still feel heartbroken enough to write it here in English because that way it feels less harsh and realistic. It’s been about 8 years since I realized this little fact and thankfully, met people who have been there for me more than she has ever been. I just wish she can meet decent people she can truly trust too.

Güzel bir yıl oldu kanımca, getirdikleri ve götürdükleriyle. Seneler sonra 2009′a geri dönmek isteyeceğim bundan eminim. 2010 için şüphe besliyorum ama bu aralar ya bana ters geliyor ya da boşuna kendisine takmış durumdayım. Bekleyip göreceğiz. Herkese iyi seneler.

[EDIT]: Dün Andrew ile konuştuktan sonra 2010 için iyi şeyler hissetmeye başladım. Seni sevebilirim 2010, kar da yağarsa ilk aylarında çok sevebilirim hatta.

Hava, sözüm sana! Seni hiç sevmedim! Kendine gel, dereceni düşür, kendine ve mevsimine yakışır koşullarda davran! Böyle kendini sonbahar sanmalar, mart ayını anımsatmalar falan. Nedir yani bu ayaklar? Kendin ol, özüne dön, hepimizin sevdiği yakından tanıdığı koşulları bulunduğun yanlıştan dönerek bize yaşat; zira ben öyle bildiğin, tanıdığın insanlara benzemem. TEK TOKATLA AKLINI ALIRIM!

Dear Sera,

I came here and saw your post. You’re right; you have always been and probably always will be. However, I can’t help it. I will try harder but it will not change a thing. Unlike you, I can’t learn from my mistakes. I truly hope you can take over the body we both exist in, for I agree that you are the only one who can help us both.

Love,

Sera

Dear Sera,

When will you learn to listen to me? I got tired of saying “I told you so.” Please surprise me this time.

Your friend,

Sera